The first twelve months of my son's life have been glorious. We've had some bumps along the way but I thoroughly enjoy being a mother and I love the closeness and the bond we share. I have always planned to care for my children in a gentle manner (similar to the way I grew up) and I have always known that empathy and compassion were two very key traits I wanted to model for and teach my son. I have always known that I would be a proactive parent instead of a reactive one (hence all the reading of parenting blogs!). And up until he was one I felt confident about what I was doing with him. And then the food battles and the tantrums started.
The food battles are more a result of him not putting on much weight, and choosing not to eat much either, and therefore making us worry. The fact is, there are not many babies in the world who will actively starve themselves. I do not believe in forcing him to eat. I do not believe in tricking him into eating food by distracting him with games, bribes, or TV. I do not believe in making him finish his plate, or eating one more bite. I do not believe in ANY of these things. Doesn't mean I haven't done them though. In my moments of doubt that I'm sure every mother goes through, I have put food in his mouth as he played. Or after he's signed "all done" I have said, you're not all done - have another bite. How is that teaching him to listen to his body? Over time, I feel like the sign "all done" has lost it's meaning slightly. So I have made a promise to myself to stop this. We have been to the pediatrician. She has checked him over. She has said he is healthy and meeting every milestone and we should keep an eye on it, but we shouldn't worry. There are no signs of an underlying illness. Some babies just go through this, and start to put on weight later than others. I have made a big effort to TRUST that he knows when he is done, to offer choices often, and to really pay attention to his cues for hunger. I believe it's already made a difference in the last week. He is eating more and is sitting at the table with me for longer periods. I hope we continue to see improvement. This particular blog about food has really helped confirm my instincts about all of this.
The tantrums in the last week have all but vanished. In a previous post I talked about making life easier. This has freed up my time each day to really be present with Cooper and to observe him while he plays. He most definitely appreciates my undivided attention, which is to be expected from any child. This in itself has cut down on many tantrums simply because I am so much more aware of his rhythm and pick up on his hunger and tired cues much quicker. Aside from that I have made a conscious effort to set up invitations to play using ideas from Play at Home . Yes I read alot of blogs! This is what I do at night when I have "me time". This blog in particular has opened my eyes to a whole new world of play. I have learnt so much about how to create a space for him to explore, create, and discover in. One of the key differences that I was sort of missing before is that it's not so much about entertaining him as it is about providing opportunities for child led play whilst remaining present. It's actually fascinating to watch him learn through play, and to see how inventive he really is. I was reading this post the other day, the title is called Don't Cramp Your Toddler's Style - The Power of Trust. It made me realize how much I was guiding Cooper to do things that I want him to do rather than allowing him to do what HE wants. It's hard to hold back and let him discover and explore things himself. I often wanted to SHOW him things and TEACH him how to do things. I'd pick up an object and immediately open it, or play with it - to show him how to do it, rather than allowing him the satisfaction of figuring out how to do it himself. This is so relevant to later years. What I'm learning is that he is actually focused for longer periods of time when he is doing something he has chosen to do himself. I want him to have the confidence to figure out how to do things himself WITHOUT having to be shown. Of course he is young and there are things he can't do now. That's ok, because as he gets older he will discover how to do these things and will develop the skills along the way naturally. With regards to tantrums, one of the reasons he would throw tantrums would be because he knew a toy could do x, but he couldn't make it do x and therefore got frustrated when it didn't work for him. Then he'd bring it to me and I'd make the toy do what he wanted. This wasn't helping him in any way. I experimented with this over the week, by not making the toy do x. At first, he wasn't happy. But over time he became less frustrated. He still persisted and played with the toy in a developmentally appropriate way, while increasing his attention span because he was interested in other details about the toy. I feel like this is building many many more skills than just watching me and being entertained. On the subject of entertainment, we've recently cut out TV. It's never been on much, but I was using it at certain times of the day to give me just a few minutes of peace to shower or brush my teeth without him hanging onto my legs to get my attention. I realized what I was doing was really limiting his time spent in independent play. He has always been pretty good at independent play, but the problem I was having was that he didn't engage in independent play when it was convenient for me. So if he was tired and frustrated and I wanted to shower, I'd turn the TV on and he'd be happy for 20 min. This gradually led to less and less independent play, and I knew I needed to stop. He asks for the TV to be on now. Which I hate. I've agreed with my husband that sport is ok, mainly because it's not animated and there aren't really quick scene changes. Sport is only on when my husband is home. But aside from that, no more TV. Turns out his sleep has improved by not watching it at all. His independent play has improved as well, and his attention span is longer. The key here, is not that TV is necessarily bad or damaging (in my opinion anyway), but that the more time the TV is on, the less time he spends creating, exploring, and discovering on his own. The benefits of those activities far outweighs the benefits of watching TV. He still pulls on my leg and tries to push me out of the bathroom if I am in there getting ready. But it's not AS bad as it was because he gets my attention for most of the day since I'm no longer trying to clean the house around him. And this is an opportunity for me to teach him patience. He has gradually started to play on his own again. It helps when he wakes up happy in the morning :)
I realize this is a long winded blog, but these are the things I have been thinking about and doing over the last couple of weeks. It's something I am constantly learning about and therefore evolving. I feel inspired. It's not always easy to constantly think about how the things you are saying and doing will shape your child for the rest of their life. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. But at the same time, it is such an honor and blessing to be able to share this journey with him. At the end of the day, it's all about trust. Trusting our children to be who they are, to learn the way they learn, to discover the world in their own individual way. And, it's about the process. The end result is the icing on the cake.
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