Trust

Wow.  Let me start by saying my best friend Sarah introduced me to this blog and it has opened my eyes to a whole new world.  I don't particularly like labels, however if I had to label my style of parenting up until this point, it would mostly align with Attachment Parenting.  The 8 Principles of Attachment Parenting can be found here if you are interested.  After reading this blog many things have clicked for me that AP blogs have never really helped me with, and it has REALLY helped me in this stage of toddlerhood where every 10 min there is a new boundary being tested.

The first twelve months of my son's life have been glorious. We've had some bumps along the way but I thoroughly enjoy being a mother and I love the closeness and the bond we share.  I have always planned to care for my children in a gentle manner (similar to the way I grew up) and I have always known that empathy and compassion were two very key traits I wanted to model for and teach my son. I have always known that I would be a proactive parent instead of a reactive one (hence all the reading of parenting blogs!). And up until he was one I felt confident about what I was doing with him.  And then the food battles and the tantrums started.

The food battles are more a result of him not putting on much weight, and choosing not to eat much either, and therefore making us worry.  The fact is, there are not many babies in the world who will actively starve themselves.  I do not believe in forcing him to eat.  I do not believe in tricking him into eating food by distracting him with games, bribes, or TV.  I do not believe in making him finish his plate, or eating one more bite.  I do not believe in ANY of these things.  Doesn't mean I haven't done them though.  In my moments of doubt that I'm sure every mother goes through, I have put food in his mouth as he played.  Or after he's signed "all done" I have said, you're not all done - have another bite.  How is that teaching him to listen to his body?  Over time, I feel like the sign "all done" has lost it's meaning slightly.  So I have made a promise to myself to stop this.  We have been to the pediatrician.  She has checked him over.  She has said he is healthy and meeting every milestone and we should keep an eye on it, but we shouldn't worry.  There are no signs of an underlying illness.  Some babies just go through this, and start to put on weight later than others.  I have made a big effort to TRUST that he knows when he is done, to offer choices often, and to really pay attention to his cues for hunger.  I believe it's already made a difference in the last week. He is eating more and is sitting at the table with me for longer periods. I hope we continue to see improvement. This particular blog about food has really helped confirm my instincts about all of this.

The tantrums in the last week have all but vanished. In a previous post I talked about making life easier. This has freed up my time each day to really be present with Cooper and to observe him while he plays. He most definitely appreciates my undivided attention, which is to be expected from any child. This in itself has cut down on many tantrums simply because I am so much more aware of his rhythm and pick up on his hunger and tired cues much quicker. Aside from that I have made a conscious effort to set up invitations to play using ideas from Play at Home . Yes I read alot of blogs! This is what I do at night when I have "me time". This blog in particular has opened my eyes to a whole new world of play. I have learnt so much about how to create a space for him to explore, create, and discover in. One of the key differences that I was sort of missing before is that it's not so much about entertaining him as it is about providing opportunities for child led play whilst remaining present. It's actually fascinating to watch him learn through play, and to see how inventive he really is. I was reading this post the other day, the title is called Don't Cramp Your Toddler's Style - The Power of Trust. It made me realize how much I was guiding Cooper to do things that I want him to do rather than allowing him to do what HE wants. It's hard to hold back and let him discover and explore things himself. I often wanted to SHOW him things and TEACH him how to do things. I'd pick up an object and immediately open it, or play with it - to show him how to do it, rather than allowing him the satisfaction of figuring out how to do it himself. This is so relevant to later years. What I'm learning is that he is actually focused for longer periods of time when he is doing something he has chosen to do himself. I want him to have the confidence to figure out how to do things himself WITHOUT having to be shown. Of course he is young and there are things he can't do now. That's ok, because as he gets older he will discover how to do these things and will develop the skills along the way naturally. With regards to tantrums, one of the reasons he would throw tantrums would be because he knew a toy could do x, but he couldn't make it do x and therefore got frustrated when it didn't work for him. Then he'd bring it to me and I'd make the toy do what he wanted. This wasn't helping him in any way. I experimented with this over the week, by not making the toy do x. At first, he wasn't happy. But over time he became less frustrated. He still persisted and played with the toy in a developmentally appropriate way, while increasing his attention span because he was interested in other details about the toy. I feel like this is building many many more skills than just watching me and being entertained. On the subject of entertainment, we've recently cut out TV. It's never been on much, but I was using it at certain times of the day to give me just a few minutes of peace to shower or brush my teeth without him hanging onto my legs to get my attention. I realized what I was doing was really limiting his time spent in independent play. He has always been pretty good at independent play, but the problem I was having was that he didn't engage in independent play when it was convenient for me. So if he was tired and frustrated and I wanted to shower, I'd turn the TV on and he'd be happy for 20 min. This gradually led to less and less independent play, and I knew I needed to stop. He asks for the TV to be on now. Which I hate. I've agreed with my husband that sport is ok, mainly because it's not animated and there aren't really quick scene changes. Sport is only on when my husband is home.  But aside from that, no more TV. Turns out his sleep has improved by not watching it at all. His independent play has improved as well, and his attention span is longer. The key here, is not that TV is necessarily bad or damaging (in my opinion anyway), but that the more time the TV is on, the less time he spends creating, exploring, and discovering on his own. The benefits of those activities far outweighs the benefits of watching TV. He still pulls on my leg and tries to push me out of the bathroom if I am in there getting ready. But it's not AS bad as it was because he gets my attention for most of the day since I'm no longer trying to clean the house around him. And this is an opportunity for me to teach him patience. He has gradually started to play on his own again. It helps when he wakes up happy in the morning :)


I realize this is a long winded blog, but these are the things I have been thinking about and doing over the last couple of weeks. It's something I am constantly learning about and therefore evolving. I feel inspired. It's not always easy to constantly think about how the things you are saying and doing will shape your child for the rest of their life. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. But at the same time, it is such an honor and blessing to be able to share this journey with him. At the end of the day, it's all about trust. Trusting our children to be who they are, to learn the way they learn, to discover the world in their own individual way. And, it's about the process. The end result is the icing on the cake.

Children are funny creatures...

About 6 months ago I was giving Cooper a bath as usual and he SCREAMED as I put him in. Not sure what changed but he was on a bath strike for the next 6 months. Luckily he was quite happy to shower with me. So that's what we did and up until recently it was working just fine. The last few days he's been unhappy in the shower with me, and so today I thought it was time to try the bath again. I put just enough water in plus some bubbles and he was LOVIN life. Again, not sure what changed. But I'm happy to go with it.

Kids change so frequently. It's easy to get caught up in what you want them to do, making a struggle out of things that don't really matter and will most likely change again anyways. My advice? Go with it. Whatever IT is. It makes life easier.

P.S. The look you see in this photo is the EXACT same look I get from my husband on a daily basis... LOL

Making Life Easier

I have always been a planner.  I often plan out my future before bed, or I at least plan the next six months.  Most of the time I put those plans into place, and sometimes not.  Often I plan in my own head and forget to tell my husband....which he is not a big fan of. Oops.

I have never been a good "plan for the day ahead" kind of girl.  I'm a procrastinator.  I like to relax and do things later.  This is fine if you don't have kids.  Or if you do have kids and you are not also a perfectionist.  I am a procrastinator AND a perfectionist.  When I do something, it has to be perfect.  A half assed job is not acceptable, and so when I do finally get around to doing something it usually takes me awhile.

My point is, forward thinking and planning for the day/week ahead has finally clicked for me and I want to share it with you. It's been a slow process.  It started with meals.  Last month I planned meals for two weeks, and cooked most of them over the course of one weekend.  For the next two weeks I had a plethora of meals to choose from that only required pastry or rice or pasta to go with it.  This made life SO much easier.  I would pull out a meal the day/night before and set in the fridge to defrost.  Sometimes if I forgot to do this I would set it out in a bowl of cold water on the counter for a few hours to defrost.  This was awesome.  It taught me that even if I don't cook everything for two weeks, something as simple as cutting up the chicken into strips before freezing cuts down on the time required to cook dinner.  Sounds simple?  It is. And it makes a difference, plus it saves money.

Next I started cutting up cheese (I buy the big blocks of cheese because it's cheaper), carrots, fruit, and other snacks at night to have ready for Cooper for the next day.  I do it all at once, and I then have quick and easy snacks ready to go throughout the day when he's hungry or we go out and I need to grab something quickly.  It's very simple, and it saves time. It also forces me to check whether we actually HAVE snacks for the next day and if I need to pick something up from the store in the morning.  I even started getting his breakfast ready the night before - all the way to putting it in his bowl ready to pull out and set down in front of him.  He LOVES fruit, so often his breakfast is fruit with yoghurt.  If it is cut up already, he can eat it while I grab something for myself and we can eat at the same time.  Prior to this I would spend most of my time cutting up fruit as he ate it, and then he'd be done and I'd have to clean him up and he'd want to play so I wouldn't get much time to eat something myself.  We all know how important it is to look after ourselves as well.

Lastly, I have made a big effort to do a load of laundry before bed each night, and to tidy the kitchen/sweep the floors if needed.  I try and wash, and put away any dishes that are left out so that the dish rack is empty in the morning.  If I have to cook dinner, I start it at 4pm so that I can eat with Cooper at 5pm.  I usually then put it in a container for my husband to eat later and I clean up the dishes if Cooper is happy to play.

The day runs so much more smoothly when I do these things. The tasks that might take a couple of hours at night to complete when Cooper is asleep would take ALL DAY when he is awake. I end up chasing my tail, feeling like I've spent all day cleaning and zero time enjoying my gorgeous son.  I do believe involving children in daily chores is important, and I want to cultivate his independence by providing him opportunities to help out so this is not just a matter of "doing everything while he sleeps".  By doing these things in advance I can take advantage of the opportunity to show him how we clean up after playing with toys or crafts, to help him start to take ownership of his 'space' and tidy up at the end of each day.

The daily rhythm of each family is unique, so some of these things may be helpful to you and others not.  But they have certainly made my days more enjoyable, and I felt that it would be worth sharing.

Bedtime Circus

Tonight my son pretended to be a tiger at bedtime.  Our normal routine is to lay down on the double mattress that is located on his floor, and he nurses to sleep.  Yes I still nurse him to sleep at 16 months, and the world has not ended. Imagine that.  But that's another story.

Tonight he crawled around the bed, crawling over me and back again.  All the while saying 'ROAR' in a really cute, not at all terrifying voice. Some tiger he is. Then he crawled over to the window and hid behind the curtains. Nights like these are a little tough.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was frustrated, and I really REALLY wanted him to go to sleep.  I'd just gotten back from a run, during which his Dad had tried (unsuccessfully obviously) to put him down.  He was tired, I was stinky, but I knew taking a shower would only upset him.  After 20 min we came out of the room and he started playing on his own.  The same child who 30 min before was cracking it every time the magnetic train set didn't stick together, was happily playing as if nothing had happened.  It's as if 20 min of playing in his room rejuvenated him completely.  So he played for a bit and I tried again later.  Eventually he laid down and went to sleep, about an hour and a half later.  If I had tried to do ANYTHING else besides sit beside him he would have fallen apart.  It's the waiting that really makes me crazy.

I read on FB today a post from the Wonder Weeks page that in their research they found that babies who don't sleep as much are actually very gifted.  They want to experience the world, and don't allow themselves to sleep.  A child that is very much open to experiencing this world has more to sort out in their head.  Result:  much more clingy and less sleep.

All I know is, my child better win a freakin Nobel Prize.

Excuse this house

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there,
Ours boasts it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges are on the doors
I should apologize, I guess
For toys strew on the floor.

But I sat down with my child
And we played and laughed and read
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine,
His eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I’m forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I’d like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I’ll be a mother.

--unknown

Lessons in fussy eaters...

My son has not gained much weight in about 10 months.  In fact he weighs about the same as he did at 8 months old.  Then he dropped a little weight when he got sick, and then he gained a little back.  He was born in the 97th percentile, and now is about the 10-20th percentile.  I'm not complaining about the plateau let me tell you.  I was more than worried about how I was going to carry such a big boy if he didn't start walking soon!  Not that walking means they don't get carried....Yes I'm talking to you Sarah Tapp ;)

My boy adores breastfeeding.  He would would choose to breastfeed over food any day.  However, this obviously is not helping much in the weight gain category, nor does it make for an overly happy mom :) So I have been trying my hardest to come up with ways to get him to eat without making it a battle.  I chose to follow the Baby Led Weaning style of introduction to solids with the idea that the child knows when they are full and will stop eating accordingly.  It's all about trusting them to know their bodies.  It's a challenging philosophy to follow at times, especially when your little one is not gaining weight.

Today my gorgeous friend and her equally handsome little boy came over to play and I decided to prep some snacks for them with this handy multi portions tray.  I was previously using a muffin tin but this takes up much less room.   I highly recommend it.  It was actually sent to me by my Mom from the US to use for freezing puree's.  Cooper loves having options to pick from, and it makes it more fun for him.  I've also been doing lots of smoothies, adding peas and wheatgerm to boost the nutritive value.  He looooooves smoothies.  Moving all of his toys out of the dining room seems to have helped as well.  Less distractions.

A couple days ago I made a star sandwich for him, which he loved too.  It's fun being creative, and seeing that it makes him more interested in eating the food.  

If you have any ideas or suggestions, please throw them at me!

Here we go again...

So it's been 6 months since my last post - which just so happened to be about how I was going to start posting more..... oops. To be honest, in the last 6 months I haven't really felt like my life and the chaos I felt like I was in was worth posting about. I didn't have any purpose, I often felt like I was looking for a change, and I was beginning to not enjoy being a stay at home mom any more. Luckily things have improved. And therefore I feel like writing about it!

For Christmas my parent's sent me a Canon Rebel. It is one of the things which has inspired some change. I love using it to capture my son's daily life. This has meant so much to me, and has truly been a blessing to have. I know that one day I will look back on these pictures and be SO thankful to have them.

Another inspiration has been my sister. She is such an amazing woman and when her family recently moved back to NC where her husband is now stationed (USMC) she joined a group called Stroller Warriors. She began running and I watched...from across the world ;). I have never been a runner. Between the two of us she has always been more athletic - doing cheerleading, dance, and gymnastics. I have never really cared much about being fit before, but her journey has been inspirational and it's made me want to start running as well. She told me about the Couch 2 5k program and I found a good friend who was willing to do it with me, and we started last week. It's challenging, but so far I have been doing well. I haven't hurt myself so that's a start ;)

Lastly - Cooper. I have known for a while that he has been frustrated at home at times, and I often find myself so busy through the day that I don't really sit down and play with him. And even though he is great at independent play, often he'd really really like me to stop whatever I'm doing and sit down with him. This lead to a bit of soul searching. Why was I so busy? I'm lucky enough to have a husband who WANTS me to stay home with our son. So why wasn't I enjoying it, and what could I do to change? I had remembered a while back reading a blog called Play At Home Mom - and I decided to revisit it. I started thinking about ways to change the house around to create an area that could be "his". Much to the dismay of my husband this meant moving a part of our L-shaped lounge into the dining room. I think it looks nice. He's not convinced ;) One of the philosophies of PAHM which is based on the Reggio Emilia approach is that toys and craft supplies are supposed to be easily accessible to the child within this environment. This is hard.... It means ALOT more supervision. Especially with a 16 month old. What I realized though, is this is a great opportunity to teach him about respecting toys and about putting things away. Sure there will be mess, and there will most likely be accidents. But that's ok. There will be a LOT of fun as well, and that's way more important. Due to the nature of this new environment, I have to be much more organized than I was. This means prepping snacks and meals the night before, and being diligent about cleaning up any messes as soon as possible. With the cleaning - I tend to procrastinate. Oh I'll wash the dishes tomorrow, or I'll do the laundry later, etc. It adds up. And that's one of the reasons why I was so 'busy' before. I was constantly playing "catch-up". I'm trying to deal with things as they happen now. I also am being more careful about planning outings around naps. I'm just more organized in general. And it feels really really good. It's alot of fun watching Cooper play. Another philosophy of PAHM is that play is "child-led". This means allowing the child to explore, create, and discover without taking over. Still being present with the child, commenting on what they are doing from time to time to let them know you are there and involved ("You did it! You must be very proud of yourself"), but not showing them how to do things, not showering with praise ("Good BOY!"), just simply being with them. It's not easy to resist the urge to "help" all the time. But it's so rewarding to watch him figure things out on his own. The look on his face is priceless! I also went through his toys and took out the things that he's grown out of, and organized the ones he has left. I recently read an article about toys with relation to imaginative play and creative development. The key to a good toy is simplicity. The less a toy does, the better it is. A great toy is a toy that can be used as a tree one day, and a bridge the next. This resonates with me, because I have always believed in "quality over quantity" but that explanation really made sense.

And so I leave you tonight. I will be back, to write more about my experiences learning to play... Until then....